CANCER- DRAFTED INTO WITHOUT TRAINING

People often ask me why certain cancer treatments, whether conventional or alternative, work with some individuals and not others. From my observations and personal experiences, I think each of us is on a unique path to healing, which involves the mind, body, heart, and soul. Over time, cancer reveals so much more to us than we initially realize.

Each of us is hard-wired by our past experiences, and at first, when we receive a cancer diagnosis, we are uncertain about what to do and how to feel. We only know what we have heard from past stories in our lives. Suddenly, we are very afraid, and all of our old fears slowly resurface, along with the new ones cancer brings into our lives. Some of you may get what I am saying here immediately. Cancer does not wait for a perfect time, when we are emotionally ready to handle it. It’s like getting thrown into a battle we were never trained for. It shows up regardless of what is going on in our lives, and we have to handle it.

Our family and friends are not prepared for the changes that take place with us emotionally and mentally either. They are facing a different kind of struggle than we are. While we have to make difficult choices about how to save our lives, they are trying to show us love. Family members and friends will show that love in very different ways.

Some have strong opinions and feel entitled to push their views of our treatment choices on us in the name of love. Some will feel they need to discuss how to handle our personal business with us in the name of love. They see how changed we are, and it seems evident that we aren’t going to come back to how we once were. Sometimes ultimatums are thrown at us, and we get confused because it doesn’t look or feel like love and support. This is the dynamics of how cancer affects family and friends.

In the beginning, many of us survivors dream of getting back to the way we were. It’s a nostalgic feeling — like a person has after a breakup. We are grieving for a life we had ripped away from us in a flash. I wished I could have my life back the way it was, but that started long before cancer. I had prior emotional traumas before cancer and had buried all of it as a single mother because it’s what I had to do to cope each day. The mountain of pain and stress was only getting higher, and I was sitting in the shadow of it all. I had a choice to either climb it and get back into the light or sit there, frightened.

Some of us are already dealing with old wounds and perspectives handed down by our family beliefs, expectations, traditions, etc., and it’s not easy to talk about cancer with our loved ones sometimes. We are a bit confused about our true identity in life now. Everything has changed. You look in the mirror now, and your reflection has a different meaning. You see yourself as a warrior instantly thrown into battle. Your brain is in fight mode, on a mission to save your life. It’s scrambling. What do I do first? Who do I tell? Who do I not tell? How will I be viewed from this day forward? What’s my value in a relationship? In my career? If you are single, you can’t help but wonder who would want to go out with you now, with a diagnosis of cancer. Is it fair for me to date during this time? These concerns for your future are valid, emotional, and gripping. I went through all of it, and many women I’ve coached have shared these vulnerable thoughts with me. It’s heart-wrenching when we get to the part about losing our breasts. I didn’t cry about the bilateral mastectomy I went through until another woman shared her feelings with me about it.

In order for complete healing to take place, it’s integral to get to the heart and soul of who we are and completely own it. Cancer brought me to that crossroads, and I faced my authentic self for the very first time. I hit every single one of those thoughts I listed with stage 3 when I was single, dealing with an unfaithful boyfriend, a lot of anger, and low self-esteem. Who could love this broken woman?

When I had a recurrence at stage 4, I was married to an alcoholic who was physically abusive. It was exhausting to question my value as a woman while fighting for my life.

I went from being the worst self-critic on complete autopilot, totally unaware that my mind was continually knocking me down mentally and emotionally, to where I am today, helping other women learn about the importance of healing emotional wounds and coping with stress.

For years I had a bad habit of thinking self-deprecating thoughts all day long. It was all this background chatter in my head (a constant judge and jury) saying, “You should have…” or “You shouldn’t have…” or “What a fool you were!” or “How stupid could you be?!” or “You’ll never…” or “Once again, here you are!” The list goes on. I even got into relationships in the past with men who were critical of me until I finally did the work it takes to heal emotionally.

This happened during and after healing from cancer the second time around. Healing from stage 4 cancer was not only about the treatment of my body. It included my mind, heart, and spirit too.

For the last nine years, I have been devoted to healing myself and helping others heal and have tried my best to be as transparent as possible with all that I have done in healing my heart, mind, body, and soul to all who seek me out, looking for the answers to surviving cancer. I assure them, first of all, it isn’t luck for any of us survivors. Come what may, our desire to begin fixing what we think we broke suddenly kicks in! Some of us change our diets and start taking supplements immediately. Some of us begin going to church and getting closer to our spiritual roots. Cancer can be a call to action for your soul. We all start with different approaches.

From the moment we are diagnosed, we start looking back at the life choices we made. Each of us has a unique immune system, and our response time for when we take action for treatment varies from one person to another as well. Cancer treatment includes emotional healing for many of us and changing how we cope with stress. Emotional healing was the big one for me, and that’s what my life coaching focuses on.

The first book I purchased on my healing journey has a workbook companion. It was life-changing for me. It’s called Safe People and teaches you how to be a safe person and how to recognize unsafe people in your life. We all have moments where we will push the boundaries or where we lose our cool. That’s not what I am referring to here. Unsafe people have unsafe traits or unsafe habits that can be extremely destructive. Safe People is a faith-based book, following Bible scriptures.

Here is the link. https://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationshi…/…/B002AKPG34

Even if you are not religious, this book still has excellent lessons that are eye-opening.

Some Traits of Unsafe People

~ Demand trust instead of earning it. No one is entitled to trust.

~ Criticize without being caring.

~ Apologize without changing their harmful behaviors.

~ Blame others instead of taking responsibility for their decisions.

~ Treat others with a lack of empathy when they are upset.

~ “Often fail” to forgive others for their mistakes.

The saddest part of this is that these individuals often inflict themselves with the same treatment — self-criticism, holding on to shame for their past mistakes, inability to trust themselves, and a lack of self-compassion.

Unsafe people need to heal themselves within first; you cannot fix them.

An excellent example of my personal growth over the years would be to look back at my first cancer diagnosis of stage 3 breast cancer in 2006. I did not believe I deserved all the pain I was going through (poor, poor, pitiful me), and yet I blamed myself too! I mean, I handled cancer the first time like a train wreck, which is why you don’t see a single picture of me going through it.

I was terrified and angry because I felt no control over what was happening! I saw people around me through what I was projecting. I was looking through a filter of fear, which brings up a whole host of other negative emotions: resentment, distrust, frustration, impatience, contempt, sadness, depression, self-pity, loneliness, humiliation, abandonment, envy, longing, blame, regret, embarrassment, worry, anxiety, confusion, distrust, insecurity, and doubt.

How can we see and feel love while we have so much fear running through us constantly? Everywhere I turned, whether it was a medical appointment or interacting with friends, I felt a dark cloud hanging heavy over my head, just waiting to rain more bad news on me.

Think of placebo groups, and your mind will start to wander off into the right direction. How do people respond favorably to a placebo — a sugar pill? They “think” they have the drug! Our mind s a powerful thing and we cannot ignore what it can do for our healing.

My first step to healing emotionally was a gratitude journal. I began it at the end of my battle with stage 3 breast cancer, when I had so many complications with infection from multiple surgeries. I started by writing “thank you” for five things a day and progressed by taping positive messages to my ceiling. I was in such a state of depression; I knew I was spiraling downward and that I had to do something. I healed from stage 3 cancer in 2008.

In 2010, cancer came back with a vengeance, spreading to my ribs, sternum, and all lobes of my lungs. I was frightened because it felt like the end.

I did radiation on my sternum until infection forced me to stop. I was too sick for chemo, so I chose alternative treatments at CMN in San Luis, Mexico, even after my UCLA oncologist only gave me 12 months to live. I took my gratitude and positive messages to a whole new level! People who visited me at home saw my positive messages on my water bottles and once again taped on walls and my ceiling. I did this so they would be the first thing I saw when I woke up! I drew hearts and wrote messages on my body because they were reminders that I was lovable. Being married to an abusive man during this second battle, I needed to feel the love. I wanted to succeed in my healing, and I think having this fighting spirit had a lot to do with my ability to heal. I just wasn’t a quitter. My stubbornness was working on my behalf this time.

It was so private and personal, all that I was going through, and I did not ask a single woman for advice on how to win my cancer battle. I prayed a lot and did not belong to Facebook groups because they did not exist at that time.

Instead, I framed a picture of me when I was a little girl and sent her messages of love. I spoke to her about what kind of future she deserved and how she was going to get well and told her everything would be alright. When you have a husband hitting you and a doctor saying you are dying, you need that comfort.

I look at my life now and all that I have accomplished. I am reunited with a long-lost love from 1993, so happily married, and will be cancer-free for nine years! I feel so grateful to God that I can help women through my life coaching programs, and I know it’s that faith that got me through. It was so necessary to know that I was lovable to God and not invisible. That was so important.

You are worthy. Pay attention to the negative self-talk and send yourself messages of love. Surround yourself with people who demonstrate love. Just keep gravitating to love, and if you believe in God, keep Him the closest by reading scripture and daily devotionals. Start your own gratitude journal and you can even get a chalkboard and put it somewhere like in your bedroom and write at the top of it “I TRUST YOU GOD”. Each day put a line for the day and give your day to Him. All of it and say, “I trust you with my day God. I trust You with my family, my decisions, my hardships and most of alI thank You. The next day when you wake up, add another line next to it. When you do something consciously with intent over time you see change take place!

Cancer is not a punishment. Cancer helped me learn more about God’s grace, and it showed me His purpose for my life. I live each day with intention now, and I am no longer living on autopilot.