Cancer is a very delicate subject, and I must warn you that this story may trigger some emotions for survivors of cancer and their loved ones. I felt compelled to write about the emotional grief of battling cancer because of my two battles with cancer and watching how my emotions vacillated not just from day to day, but sometimes several times a day. I feel there is a great need to understand the difference in intensity of emotions between the cancer survivors grief and what they go through compared to the grieving of their loved ones.

There are five stages of cancer grief, and the onset of these starts immediately for everyone involved once the diagnosis happens. After battling cancer twice, stage 3 and stage 4, and talking to well over 1000 cancer patients since 2011, I felt it was time to shed some light on my experience of the five stages of grief.

The five stages, of cancer grief; anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are part of our learning to live with the diagnosis of cancer and fear of loss. There is no order or time frame on these stages of grief. Understanding and navigating the terrain of grief together will allow for more support. Each person’s grief is unique from the next person.

Denial

Denial helps us to cope with the overwhelming feelings of being diagnosed. We wonder how we are going to get through each day and in order to make it through we allow ourselves the grace of denial to feel better. Sometimes we even stall on taking action with getting treatment. As we become stronger and proceed to take action all the feelings we were denying will begin to surface.

Anger

Anger is the one feeling we are more aware of and feel a need to manage or control. Anger extends to our friends, doctors, loved ones, yourself and even to God. We think, why would God allow this? There is pain underneath that anger. Anger allows us to feel some control over the whole situation.

Bargaining

Bargaining is our way of making promises to God if we could just be spared. “I’ll be kinder, more charitable and dedicated to helping those less fortunate than me if You’ll just let me live!” Fulfilling our end of the bargain helps us cope as we present our offering in exchange for life.

Depression

Depression comes once the realization that we may not get better becomes a reality to us. We are understandably depressed once we start to grieve for the loss of time and things we once thought we would be able to do in our future. Being sad about this is an appropriate feeling. It is a process we must go through.

Acceptance

Acceptance is reaching a point where we have a realistic point of view where we can take in all that is happening to us. We still don’t like what’s happening but have developed courage and can tolerate it better. We know we must learn to live with his new norm.

All of these stages are responses to our feelings that can come on suddenly. There is no telling how long each one will last. It can be for minutes or hours, and we can flip flop back and forth from one to the next.

Grief does not occur in any particular order. It’s like a roller coaster. What the survivor goes through and the loved one’s experience are not the same. However, the family often feels they are going through the same thing. It is typical for family and friends to both experience fear. Everyone grieves differently, so I do not want to invalidate or minimize the pain that anyone feels. It can be emotionally damaging to the one dealing with cancer for someone to say to them that they are going through the same feelings. They are not.

Everyone that loves them does not want to make a mistake at doing what they always thought was the right thing to do. If you are the parent, you may believe that you know best and that your son or daughter is not able to handle the stress or think as clear anymore because he or she is in crisis. It will be tough for some to accept the decision of the treatment that he or she chooses.

Mainstream medicine like chemotherapy and radiation are getting second-guessed more and more. You will have to resist giving a harsh opinion and take a gentler approach if you want to bring up an idea. If it gets brushed off, it is vital that you remain supportive. You can share what your thoughts are, but do not risk hurting them more with your opinion even if it is out of love and concern. It is very emotional for them. It is not easy deciding what to do to save your life. It is not the time for them to be worrying about what your needs are and if they hurt your feelings just because they share with you what they truly believe is the right choice for them. Just be there for them.

When I talk with individuals facing a cancer diagnosis and their loved ones, I use an analogy with the hopes of trying to paint a picture that can help people relate. I explain that when someone gets the shocking news, it is hitting them so suddenly that they feel helpless at first. Loved ones experience this as well; it’s devastating. For the one who has cancer, it is different, though. For them, it is like being on an airplane headed for somewhere pleasant, maybe Hawaii, and then suddenly the pilot announces that the plane is going to crash! He informs passengers that they have a 2% chance of surviving the accident. Shock sets in and their world is upside down.

Now imagine if the passengers were able to receive phone calls from everyone that cared about them on the ground below; imagine the cries of advice because everyone who cares wants to offer a solution. They’d be telling them how to position their body or how to craft something out of the seat cushion to beat the odds when the plane crashes. Everyone is scared and wants their loved one to survive. Your support is loving and sincere, but it’s just not going to take the situation of having cancer away. They’ll still feel a sense of being out of control and are in a life-saving mode with other people who are. Your love and concern may be appreciated, but sometimes it may not. Getting the news that you have cancer makes you feel numb, and nothing looks the same ever again. I remember waking in the morning with a pounding heart, and I wondered, What’s wrong? Why do I feel panic? I would suddenly remember I had cancer and was battling for my life. The reality would cause me despair, and my heart would flood with thoughts of wondering if I would survive.

We must remember this always with family and friends that when your loved one does open up about their emotions of fear that they are trusting you. I had heard of horror stories where family turned against them at a time when they were needed most. It is understandable that this too is a dynamic of grief and that everyone is experiencing it differently. One family member will be going through anger while another one is in denial and another one is in acceptance. It’s a riptide of emotions amongst a family that all love one another.

Without minimizing grief for loved ones, the difference between the two types of grieving is significant. Everyone is afraid of losing the one they love to cancer and will still get to go on with life eventually. He or she who is with cancer is facing the grim possibility of having to part with everyone and everything forever. Coping with the thought of this is difficult. No one is immune to fear.

All of this is normal, and it does not mean they have lost their faith in God if they are a believer. I remember I did not want to go to church sometimes because it reminded me of heaven and death. We are human beings, not saints. I remember how terrified I was and how I prayed to beat cancer. I pleaded, no I begged God to let me live and made all kinds of promises.

I prayed or had conversations with God constantly. I had faith but I slept with a nightlight because it eased my anxiety attacks a bit. I would sometimes cry and beg God like a child to beat this disease; I wasn’t ready, and I had things I wanted to do still. I think I only reached the acceptance part of grief only once and even then on that day I must have gone through all the other stages of grief like a see-saw. There were days I was okay and at peace; other days I was very optimistic, and people thought I was courageous. I don’t think I wasn’t courageous but I was able to better cope with fear at times. It was a journey of daily highs and lows like a rollercoaster. Everyone that loves the person battling cancer will express and cope differently, and you will experience your roller coaster of emotions too, but it is not the same as trying to survive.

Those with cancer may worry about their families; they comfort their children, and they hide the pain and agony of wishing they did not have to prepare to say goodbye. They try to hide their fear because they don’t want to scare their children, be a burden on loved ones or make anyone feel awkward.

It is important to note that not everyone will go through all of these stages, and they do not have a particular order. It will be up and down sometimes in a day and can be like a roller coaster! So please be supportive. You as a loved one will have your stages of grief; everyone has a rough time and will need to be understanding.